I did not think it was possible...

for a human to make the sound at 1:49 in the video below:

I just started working a 9 to 5 job with Live Nation and I have the pleasure of working with some interesting folks. Over the next couple months I'll probably share some great stories and some personalities. Right now, I've likened my office experience to a mix of The Office and Survivor (except nobody gets voted off...yet).

It's really funny how similar this office environment is to the show The Office...but actually.

Anyways, I sit across from a gentleman, who we'll call John. He looks like he's close to retirement and just doesn't understand the world of today. I feel like all older people are like that; stuck in their ways and thinking that their generation did it better. I don't mean that as a put down, I probably will think the exact same thing. And oh yea, he's British.

Back to sounds. If you had pressed play above you are familiar with the sound I want to discuss. It comes out of him. VERY frequently. I mean I know it's a burp, but I've never heard one like it. Also there's no horn involved. Just him. I don't know if it is his diet or just a condition he has, but it happens a lot. Like he'll have 5 in a row, and then maybe like 3 minutes will pass by and then another 3, then 5 minutes, and then a big one. I haven't found a pattern yet, but again, it happens. A. LOT. And he doesn't even say, "Excuse me."

I mean when people burp, I like to be funny and and say, "Bless you," (as if they had just sneezed), but I can't do that because I would be saying it so frequently. But then again maybe I should.

Quick history(?) lesson: The reason people say bless you (from some lore I remember) is that back in the day, a sneeze was thought of a sign of terrible illness (or the plague) and your family (upon hearing the sneeze) would say, "Bless you," and peace out of the house; to leave you to your own devices while you healed (or kicked the bucket) and they got out of there so they wouldn't catch whatever you had. So it was kinda like a, "May God bless you" so you can get better or may your soul rest in peace, but just a very kind way of saying it. Because it would be terrible to say to someone directly to their face, "Enjoy death!" every time they showed signs of illness and then you peace out of their life for an indeterminable amount of time.

He's also mentioned he's been having a lot of dizzy spells. I don't know if there's a connection, but either way, I think I'm gonna be blessing John, juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust in case :)

Dear Future Self,

Open your mail.

All the time.

Always.

Because you know what you did? You got lazy and distracted by dumb things like school and TV and the internet and missed the opportunity to cash in $381.63 in checks that belonged (yeah, there's an -ed ending there) to you.

What a costly waste! Was my attentiveness to high school graduation and excitement for attending college the reason for my oversight of my $79.00 state tax return from 2008? Nope.

And was my joy in getting my cast off in the fall of 2010 so overwhelming that I missed the $302.63 check in worker's compensation from that injury? Doubtful.

The real reason: I procrastinate.

I'm opening mail from almost 4 years ago!

Was I caught up in the emergence of electronic mail and forgot all about snail mail? EEENNNHHHHH. Wrong. Procrastination.

And you know what's the saddest? I called it. Well, my mom told me about my condition since I was in 7th grade, but either way I should have foreseen such acts of stupidity.

Why? Guess what my MySpace name was?

InternetBoi4Lyfe? Never Opens My Mail? IrinaComeBack? EricAtTheDisco? NOPE!

If you had answered, "What is 'King of Procrastination'?" then you would be correct. Want proof? Click here. The URL is very telling of what I was into at the time :) Now sadly, this isn't really proof, I deleted everything except the name and I thought it wouldn't let me delete the profile picture, but apparently you can't see it now, you'll just have to take my word for it.

I couldn't delete my profile completely because I changed email accounts and it would only send the "Confirm Delete Account" email to the one that didn't exist anymore. So it still sits out there in MySpace world. I deleted all my info, and can't access it anymore, but that page is what's left of my profile.

Anyway, I feel I should have seen lost money as a cause of my procrastination. I wonder how much money I have lost and don't know about. Or money I've lost in food that I didn't use before it goes bad. WHOA! I actually don't want to think about it...

One good side effect of procrastination was all-nighters in the library. They led to many good times and, I think, to more quality work on an assignment (I just think I work better under pressure).

Either way, I'm gonna call both institutions tomorrow and see if I can get a check reissued. I doubt it, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

But Eric, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!

Because instead of being like this:

You're like this:

Love,

Past Hella-broke Self

Casting Call

Ok, so I have just been diagnosed with some pretty bad tendonitis in my right wrist and am now confined to a cast. Take a look:

The terrible thing is that I am right-handed. Which wouldn't be bad if I wasn't looking for a job. I mean I've broken my left wrist before, but that didn't really inconvenience me because I am right-handed. But it's only for a month.

However, since then (2 years ago) and my most recent casting, I've thought of other things I could do with my cast. To either entertain myself, or others, and just get some good use out of it. The list of possibilities follows:

1. The obvious: become ambidextrous. I attempted this when I sprained my thumb 3 years ago. I went bowling and bowled with my left hand and got a strike. On like the 3rd attempt. It was pure skill. Also during that time, I brushed my teeth and shaved left-handed. But now I'm gonna tackle the biggest obstacle of being ambidextrous: no, not writing with both hands, but being able to feed yourself with both hands!

2. Air traffic control. As you could see, my cast is a bright orange. The only options they had were pink, yellow, and orange. I thought that the pink and yellow would stand out a lot more and I would be infinitely made fun of for those options and went with the orange. Ok there was the white option, but I didn't want it to show dirt easily, so went with the color option.

My good friend Denson had this glow in the dark spray and now my cast glows in the dark. Which would make it really ideal for directing planes.

3. Portable year book. Since you stop those keepsakes after high school it can act as a little time capsule for who was in your life at the time of the cast. The first person to sign my cast when I had one 2 years ago were my campers while I was at camp. The first person to sign my cast this go-round was the clerk at the liquor store. I promise I'm not an alcoholic, I just think he was hitting on me.

4. Get into a bar fight. AND WIN! I mean it's my right hand. I got pretty good control of it. I'm pretty sure I could take out just about anyone with this thing.

5. Stop a door from closing. No broken fingers or bruised arms. This skill could come in handy say when you're trying to get your passport renewed at the post office and the only guy who can do it won't answer his phone so you can make the appointment (because you have to make appointments these days to renew/do anything regarding your passport) and his door opens from the last person who had an appointment is leaving and you're trying to get in touch with the man inside before the heavy door closes and is locked indefinitely. So easy solution: stick the cast in the door!

6. Become a lower body model. Anything from pants, to underwear to swimsuits. My cast is waterproof. And it's so large that many articles of clothing aren't fitting over it (like jackets and long-sleeved things). The real question is how do I go about getting into that business?

7. Pick your favorite TV show and roll up on set. They ask why you are there. And you say, "I was just cast." You could easily go on to do bigger things as a handicapable person. I mean just look at Drizzy:

8. Not have to saw off my hand if I end up in a situation like this:

9. Use it as a water bottle. I mean after I take a shower it seems to retain water pretty well. It's water proof, yes, but in the sense that you can get it wet without much consequence. I mean I love that I can take showers with it and don't have it wrap it up, but unless I sit there with a blow dryer getting all the water out it drips for a good couple hours after the shower. So I could theoretically just drink as it drips out.

10. Paperweight

11. Another means to identify your body. Like how they use dental records or serial numbers on implants.

12. Firmer handshake device. There's no way you can even come close to saying anything about your status over me with your handshake. You can't crush my hand. And by default, my handshake will be firmer, no matter how much I can bench press. Ha! Give me your best shot!

13. New wallet. Put cash in one end. Credit cards in the other. And you really can't steal a cast off someone. Unless you have a saw on you. Which, my first thought was, "Wow, you're really intense about this you can have my money, no need to saw it out." But then thought back to number 4 and realized I could probably take the guy out.

14. Emergency hammer. Cause what if you can't find a hammer to nail in that one nail that always comes loose and you stub your toe on.

15. Bottle opener. Even if it is a twist off, just because you can do it. You'll be the hit of any party.

16. Talon protector. Finally I can be like that kid from My Side of the Mountain and have a hawk as a pet but don't need to buy a protective glove.

17. Invent a sport: Cast ball. Use your cast to hit a ball. Size of ball varies depending on size of cast. There's an equation.

18. Itch reliever.

19. Juicer. Especially when you don't want to pull out the actual juicer for that little bit of lime juice you need for your homemade guacamole.

20. Join a band. Become the BEST triangle player. EVER.

21. To bust a radio. Because if Rihanna brags one more time about how she's found love in a hopeless place and I can't find love anywhere, it's going down. I literally believe I've heard that phrase 1,000,005,116 times.

22. Nothing. Don't put any extra stress on the cast. You were put in it to immobilize it so your injury can heal. Doing any of the above mentioned things will just lead to prolonged time in a cast, longer physical therapy or even permanent damage to your injured body part. But where would the fun be in that? I mean your doctor factors in you being stubborn and doing anything like I suggested into the amount of prescribed time you'll be in the cast.

So choose wisely, how will you use your cast?

I'm On a Bench

I had the fortune of spending copious amounts of time in a mall the other day while I was getting my computer checked on at the Mac store because it kept crashing. And as I was just walking around the mall, I noticed an alarmingly large number of people sitting on those benches that they intersperse throughout the mall. Like this one:

And just a quick comment about the benches, if you really need to take a seat because your legs are hurting from standing so long, then you’ve been at the mall WAY too long. I mean if you’re disabled and need a breather, sure. But if you’re just straight up chillin on a bench, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

Now I know I’ve heard of people who don’t have air conditioning will spend time in the mall because it is well air-conditioned, but I went to a mall in the winter in New Orleans. No, it’s not snowing, but there is absolutely no reason anyone would be visiting the mall for its climate control, which, by the by, seems to stay at the same temperature year-round, because it was freezing in there.

Anywho, back to the old people. They were pretty much like statues. Like a part of the bench. Like the Ronald McDonald on the bench next to the playplace.

I mean you remember how he was there. Just affixed to the bench. It was cool when you were younger. But looking back now, it just seems a liiiiiiiittle weird.

Now most of the benches were predominantly occupied by one older gentleman. There was an outlier where it seemed that an older couple were sharing the bench. Here are some reasons why I think they might have set up shop:

1. They’re just plain bored. And people watching to them has become a lively, daily activity. I know it was almost 2 days after both of my grandparents on my mom’s side retired that they were already looking for a new job. The gentlemen in this mall may have retired and prefer the sport of people watching over talk shows.

2. Their significant other may have passed recently and they can’t really comprehend life by themselves. It’s gotten rather lonely at home and the mall is a surefire way to be surrounded by people. And they just can't find as much to do all alone at home like this kid:

3. They work for bench makers. Their sole job is to go from mall to mall, park to park, anywhere where there is a bench and rate it. They take into account: level of comfort, material of the bench, proximity of other benches, presence of arm and back rests, the susceptibility and presence of graffiti or general defilement, and the view from them bench. They then report back to headquarters with the results so that they can make benches better in the future. The reason why there isn’t a perfect bench yet is because this company just started 7 months ago. Expect a higher yield in satisfying benches in the next 2-3 years.

4. They’re in training…for staring contests. It would explain the blank stares. And they’re all each other’s competition. So they’re obviously not going to face each other, they don’t want to give away their staring secrets or their weaknesses. So they practice staring at themselves in store windows. It’s actually really effective because the glass used in mall store windows in 43% more reflective than your average window.

This is one battle that went down in the record books: It lasted 17 minutes and 4 seconds.

5. They’re dead. I mean it’s not their actual mummified body. But a wax version. Like the Madame Tussaud’s kind – the really life-like ones.

In life they were fond of the mall and wanted to be remembered there forever.

Whatever the reason, they're there. Personally, I hope it's #3.

Happy mall creeping!

Definite Conspiracy

Dear City of New Orleans,

I really believe you have some deals with car companies/mechanics/insurance companies. Your streets are crap.

I mean you show us pictures of the French Quarter with nice roads like this:

But actually every other street outside of the French Quarter looks like this:

I know you’ve been through a really bad hurricane recently, but I don’t think water is responsible for the ridiculous state that your roads are in. I mean, yes, water is generally the reason for potholes, expanding when frozen and all, but you don't get freezing temperatures all that often. So I just don't understand.

And a corresponding result of these poor road conditions, as seen above, you cannot see lane lines that well...or at all. Leaving the roads looking more or less like this:

As a result, I'm sure there are so many accidents resulting in the benefit of those in the insurance and mechanic industry, as well as wasting money on and the time of police officers having to report to accidents.

It's just how do you not expect people to lose a side-view mirror when everyone parks like this:

What cops really should be responding to is the violence in New Orleans. While I was there (which was only 3 days) 6 people were shot. That was a fun fact that I did not share with my parentals while I was down there :)

But thanks to your lovely road conditions I now need to refill my tires with more air and probably could use a front end alignment. Totaling around $65. $65 that I don't have. Which I wouldn't need if you had better streets.

And I'm currently unemployed so how do you expect me to pay to get this fixed?!?

Either way, I'm on to you. When I come back this spring and the same or worse results, expect a full on investigation.

Perturbed road tripper,

Eric

It Would Be A December to Remember

This thought occurred to me this past holiday season: Who gives someone a car for Christmas? A lot of the commercials that spring up every Christmas season are those car commercials with amazing deals. They’re like, “Get a car now for that special someone because we’re never again going to have a deal like this, so seriously, but it for them now.”

But then 2 weeks later in the new year, they all of a sudden have an even better deal than before. Maybe a good $1,000 cheaper than the price before. And if you had bought someone a car (but really, who does?) you’re like “Dang! I should have waited!”

Again, that’s not the real problem. The problem is you’re BUYING someone a car as a gift.

I mean if this is the big gift, then what kind of presents precede this? An iPad? A Wii? A 3D TV? A lifetime membership to Netflix? A Segway? Some really expensive jewelry? I mean you have to have SOMETHING else. The car is great and all. But there needs to be build-up. So already you’re dropping like almost fifty grand if you intend on getting a car for someone.

The next problem: I know other car companies have done this promo before, where they get someone a car, but the only ones I can recall from this past year are the Lexus commercials:

And Lexus’ don’t come cheap. That’s a pretty hefty penny. So in order to make this happen, you really need to be Mr. Moneybags. To be able to drop that much money that fast is insane. Yes, I’m sure the 1% who has the money to buy someone a car is also watching How I Met Your Mother, because it is a really funny show, but the majority of people who watch TV are the middle and lower classes because they’re trying to escape the reality of their own credit and other miscellaneous money problems by involving themselves in the adventure of finding Ted’s wife.

So let’s say you get sucked in to buying a car for someone. What you’re really doing is saying, “Merry Christmas, dear, I got this car for you…it’s gonna cost $476 a month for the next 7 years…I love you THAT much.” Because again, who of the 99% can honestly drop over twenty grand at the drop of a hat? Not I!

Another problem with these commercials is that there’s no fun in unwrapping the car. It’s just there in the driveway. With a bow on it. Yea, the bow’s nice, but wouldn’t a big box just be AWESOME?!? And not only is it sitting there in the driveway with it’s puny little bow on it, but snow is falling. Oh my gosh. A white Christmas. How perfect. This is exactly how it will be when you buy your loved one a car. There will be no snow on the car. There will be no trace of the tires in the snow as you drove it up the driveway. It’s pristine…the dealership just has magical powers that allow it to deliver your car in your driveway on Christmas morning without disturbing the snow. Because they don’t have their own loved ones that they just bought a car for to set up picture perfect in their driveway. Why don’t we be realistic? Not everyone has a driveway. At least not all of the people who are viewing this commercial. So they should be showing scenes of people outside their apartment complexes, to make it more relatable. Just saying…

The only saving grace is that Lexus got a little progressive in one of their commercials this year. Instead of the husband (or male partner) buying the car for his wife (or female partner), it was the other way around. The woman surprised the man. When I saw that I was like “WHOA! She must have a really great job…or she moonlights in the moonlight.” Not to hate at all, but the image was just a little abrupt for me. Not saying that women aren’t succeeding in the work force and don't have the means to buy their significant other an car, it just isn’t a regular sight yet. It takes some time to adjust to. Like adjusting to these things:

• Finding a radio station in a city or region you’re unfamiliar with. It may take you a while, but you’ll find one you like eventually...
• Eventually learning that the English you learned before getting off the boat is not realy the English we speak in America
• Adjusting the driver’s seat in your car, you know how it’s not until after 4 years that you finally get the right distance from the steering wheel/pedals, the right degree of lean-age, and if your car comes equipped with it, how much back support to give yourself.
• Lack of sleep from having a child. You learn why your parents can function on 4 or 5
• Wearing in a new pair of jeans. I mean they aren’t your favorite jeans the first couple wears.
• Switching from a PC to a Mac. It’s difficult at first but then you thank yourself for making the transition.
• Getting a new phone. You may not be able to text without looking for like a good month or two, but then you’re pro!
• Adjusting to the fact that Drake can actually walk. (I’m still adjusting to this)

Either way I give Lexus kudos for being progressive. What I don’t give them kudos for is the plausibility there is to outright buy someone a car. I wish I could get the stats on how many cars are bought brand-new off the lot as a Christmas present. If you, the reader, received a brand new car for Christmas, please comment below.

Hopefully I can find a significant other who will buy me a Lexus for Christmas!

PSA

I have been traveling around the Southeastern portion of our great country the past two weeks and came along a Public Service Announcement on the side of the road that looked very similar to this:

And in the picture there was a quote that read: "Take time to be a good father today"

My take away from this PSA: "Spend time with your son before your brother assassinates you"

What a heart-warming message!