I'm On a Bench

I had the fortune of spending copious amounts of time in a mall the other day while I was getting my computer checked on at the Mac store because it kept crashing. And as I was just walking around the mall, I noticed an alarmingly large number of people sitting on those benches that they intersperse throughout the mall. Like this one:

And just a quick comment about the benches, if you really need to take a seat because your legs are hurting from standing so long, then you’ve been at the mall WAY too long. I mean if you’re disabled and need a breather, sure. But if you’re just straight up chillin on a bench, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

Now I know I’ve heard of people who don’t have air conditioning will spend time in the mall because it is well air-conditioned, but I went to a mall in the winter in New Orleans. No, it’s not snowing, but there is absolutely no reason anyone would be visiting the mall for its climate control, which, by the by, seems to stay at the same temperature year-round, because it was freezing in there.

Anywho, back to the old people. They were pretty much like statues. Like a part of the bench. Like the Ronald McDonald on the bench next to the playplace.

I mean you remember how he was there. Just affixed to the bench. It was cool when you were younger. But looking back now, it just seems a liiiiiiiittle weird.

Now most of the benches were predominantly occupied by one older gentleman. There was an outlier where it seemed that an older couple were sharing the bench. Here are some reasons why I think they might have set up shop:

1. They’re just plain bored. And people watching to them has become a lively, daily activity. I know it was almost 2 days after both of my grandparents on my mom’s side retired that they were already looking for a new job. The gentlemen in this mall may have retired and prefer the sport of people watching over talk shows.

2. Their significant other may have passed recently and they can’t really comprehend life by themselves. It’s gotten rather lonely at home and the mall is a surefire way to be surrounded by people. And they just can't find as much to do all alone at home like this kid:

3. They work for bench makers. Their sole job is to go from mall to mall, park to park, anywhere where there is a bench and rate it. They take into account: level of comfort, material of the bench, proximity of other benches, presence of arm and back rests, the susceptibility and presence of graffiti or general defilement, and the view from them bench. They then report back to headquarters with the results so that they can make benches better in the future. The reason why there isn’t a perfect bench yet is because this company just started 7 months ago. Expect a higher yield in satisfying benches in the next 2-3 years.

4. They’re in training…for staring contests. It would explain the blank stares. And they’re all each other’s competition. So they’re obviously not going to face each other, they don’t want to give away their staring secrets or their weaknesses. So they practice staring at themselves in store windows. It’s actually really effective because the glass used in mall store windows in 43% more reflective than your average window.

This is one battle that went down in the record books: It lasted 17 minutes and 4 seconds.

5. They’re dead. I mean it’s not their actual mummified body. But a wax version. Like the Madame Tussaud’s kind – the really life-like ones.

In life they were fond of the mall and wanted to be remembered there forever.

Whatever the reason, they're there. Personally, I hope it's #3.

Happy mall creeping!